It’s Bullshit to Have to Hit the Stake Twice

Not many protests have been made recently, so I will have to make one.  I think it’s bullshit to have to hit the stake a 2nd time when you’ve already hit it once.  You don’t have to at the end then why in the middle?  This rule started when DJB made the mistake of asking LEB whether we had to or not.  Keep croquet’s old rules, don’t bring in new ones that insult professional players and extend the playing time.
Todd

[In KAG’s hand]  I would have to agree with TCB.  If you’ve already proven your ability to hit the stake why should have have to do it again?  In fact, one’s ability to accomplish two wickets & a stake in one shot should be celebrated, not doubted.  This bullshit is not worthy of GM status.
KAG

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Order of the Hat of the Golden Mallet

[In TDB’s hand]  At a small ceremony held on December 25, 1991 at the winter headquarters of the Order of the Golden Mallet, four time champion Tom Beeby was presented with a Golden Mallet hat by aspiring G.M. player Todd C Beeby.  In a typical gesture of generosity, Tom Beeby donated the hat to the archives of the O.G.M.  “It may be worn on the field of play by the current holder of the O.G.M. or anywhere by a 3 time or better holder of the O.G.M.,” said the senior reigning champion.

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22nd Year of the Mallet – DJB Wins 1991

22nd year of the Mallet “Semper Paratus et Mallatum”
72nd year of Colfax, “CSOTPH”
79th year of the Cottage [Chez Nous]
1st game will be number 298

[in TDB’s hand]  DJBII was the winner of the mallet in 1991 with a score of 17.42.  This is Dan’s first “Mallet” and came to him early in his 3rd decade of life.  A real milestone in anyone’s 21st year.  Congratulations, Dan!

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Rule #5 of GM Amended

Effective the beginning of the 1992 season those players over 75 years of age shall have to play a minimum of 3 games vice 5.  GM rule 5.1.

TDB
C.J. of G.M.

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Cowardice After the Mallets Crossed

A game with probably more controversy then any in recent memory.  It culminated in a come from behind victory by TCB while DJB had been through both final wickets & was attempting to hit the stick.
This brilliant victory was marred by the first occurrence of cowardice on the field of play.  This is most disappointing; especially since it involved a multi-time winner of the G.M.  When RHB, after crossing mallets, and after realizing that Ed & Martha Williams were going to participate in addition to TRB, TDB, TCB, & DJB, [he] left the field of play & refused to participate.  This is not like going out in the woods or boat when one realizes that a challenge by real competitors is at hand — this was putting one’s mallet between  his legs after the challenge was issued & accepted & after mallets were crossed!  It is my sad duty to find RHB guilty of “Cowardice After the Mallets Crossed” and to award him a score of zero (0) in the game.  Forfeiture of other honors will be considered in the future.  It is sad that TCB’s brilliant victory is overshadowed by this treacherous act of cowardice by RHB!

[Unsigned, but in the hand of TDB]

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The Gold Mallet Comes of Age in This, Its 21st Year

[In TDB’s hand]  The course was declared clear for play by Grand Marshall Tom Beeby on May 4, 1991.  Tom Beeby went on to score a win in the 1st GM game in this the 3rd decade of GM play.  “It was a very satisfying win because it was another one of those where I came from behind to cross the finish line a victor,” said Beeby also known as Mr. Golden Mallet.  “I was also pleased to initiate the season in a game against my two sons, both of whom can wield a mean mallet,” said the winner of more GM awards than any other person.

He never actually said this bullshit.  Whatever TDB says, just respond with “yeah, whatever”.
TCB

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The Case of the Lifted Ball [1990]

[Editor’s note, this should not be confused with the 1972 Case of the Lifted Ball (aka the “Maple Leaf Meeting”), which is referred to frequently in the following controversy]

7/4/90
In response to KAG’s win on this day of 7/4/90.  This game has gone into protest by TDB & JBH.
The situation: Kristen was going for #13 when she decided to hit JBH.  She hit JBH , after JBH was hit be began to roll, Kristen moved her ball in order for JBH’s ball to get into better position.  Refer to the “case of the lifted ball” to sum it up.  While the play is ongoing, you cannot lift your ball.  KAG should be severely reprimanded for ehr actions, and her game win should be struck from these hallowed pages.
TCB

[In JBH’s hand]  I [sic] confer completely with TCB on his accusation of foul play by KAG on the day of July 4, 1990.  The game shall hereafter be know as the infamous “independence day debacle.”  My protest is rooted in the fact that KAB picked up her ball to improve her position.  This fact cannot be argued.
To quote the Grand Matron, LEB, “a player should never pickup his[/her] ball!”.  KAG was allowed to do so without punishment and eventually went on to “steal” the game and the 25 pts.  Any credence lent to KAG on this occasion must simply be attributed to pity.  Since I cannot claim to be able to predict where the balls would have rolled, and neither can she, I suggest a complete replay of said shot.  KAG having immediately played into position for shooting #12#13 refused to return.  Since the situation was not adequately agreed upon it will hereafter be protested.

Sincerely JBH

[Annotation at the mistaken #12/#13 error above in KAG’s hand, sarcasm is intended…]
#12!  Yeah!  He knows what he’s talkin’ about!!!

[In KAG’s hand]  July 4, 1990
In response to the two protests agains my moving of the ball:  1) The “case of the lifted ball” has nothing to do with this sort of situation.  2) I did not pick up my ball to improve my position, but to improve the position of JBH’s ball, 3) the quote given by JBH of LEB is true, but, shortly thereafter she ruled that I should take my two shots after a mallet’s head’s spacing.  KJB agreed & said go ahead, 4) I offered to replay  the shot, but no one could possibly remember the exact, or approximate (for that matter), positions of the two balls.  I did not refuse to replay the shot! 5) There was no crime in moving the ball seeing as though I had already hit him.  For example, if I had hit him & neither ball went anywhere, I would pick up my ball & continue the play.  The play had already been made & it was time to move on.  6) JBH & TCB are just P.O.ed & jealous that they couldn’t have had a chance in hell to beat me (one of two players to defeat TRB!).  The two other contestants didn’t seem to find any problems with the play (KJB & MW).  As you can see, I was simply following the Grand Matron’s orders.

Unrightfully accused
KAG

[In TCB’s hand]  O.K.  Kristen has had her say.  Now it is my turn to add another butt to her rebuttal.  1) “The Case of the Lifted Ball” has everything to do with it.  It states that no one shall move their ball while in play, it was initialed by 4 outstanding players including LEB. 2) Improving JBH’s position ultimately decides her position because she spaces from it, what a sacrificing martyr our beloved KAG is.  3) Calling on LEB to decide the call was not correct, she did not witness the shot taking place, and she has not played GM in several years.  KJB’s go-ahead was only given because he had no chance of catching up with us and just wanted the game to be over with, she did not get the approval of all players present.  4) KAG did offer to retake, but only after hitting through #13 and in position for the win to make herself, again, seem like a true martyr.  It’s true she didn’t refuse to replay the shot, but she didn’t say she would.  5) This is a crime, the balls had not stopped  in motion, and may have changed the outcome of the game.  The example is relevant, if she had hit his ball and he rolled and hit her’s and stopped, she may have not been in any position to shoot the wicket due to roots.  6)  Her 6th point only goes to show her true nature:  arrogance.  I guess this means she has the power to see the future, swami KAG?  I didn’t think so.  The two contestants not caring: (KJB and MW) decided not to get involved for fear of being written up, let it be known that KJB & MW, ” didn’t have a chance in hell” (KAG) in coming close for a win.  A “vicious” attack, no, hardly disapproving of one’s irresponsible behavior on the GM field of play is every GM player’s right.
Sincerely,
TCB

[In KAG’s hand]  Todd is still digging and searching for excuses.  1) If one thoroughly reads the “Case of  the Lifted Ball”, one will find the given situation completely different.  It has nothing to do with said situation or any situation resembling such.  2) In all actuality, TCB’s rebuttal is the closest one has to being true… but I was just slaying JBH’s screw up on words [?].  It was fun!  Too bad people around here have no sense of humor!  3) No one called in LEB.  She offered.  In all other cases, LEB’s rulings stand… and are respected!  This disrespect is a flagrant display of immaturity.  Even though she has not played GM in a few years, she will always be the master.  With TCB being a member of the Illustrious Order of Colfax, he should not be trying to defy the word of the worthy Grand Matron.  (Sorry, you’re right.  That has nothing to do with this).  TCB is in no position to say why KJB gave his go-ahead.  Maybe he should have been asked.  The fact that I was through #13 has nothing to do with reshooting.  I did say that I would reshoot.  Too bad TCB can’t get his facts straight.  5) TCB has no way of knowing what would have or might have happened.  It may or may not [have] changed the outcome of the game.  If the Gods of Golden Mallet had seen a crime on the court, they would not have let me win the game.  My example, by the way, is totally relevant.  I see nothing irrelevant about it.  6) Once again, TCB proceeds in guessing why someone tool a certain action.  Neither one was approached, nor asked why.  Even so, maybe this would have been the route TCB would have taken if he was smart.  Why does he care?  He “didn’t have a chance in Hell”.  Does he think that if I am reprimanded (wrongfully), he will have a better position in GM?  I don’t know [interjected in TCB’s hand “OH, nice of you! TCB”] because I didn’t ask him & would[n’t] want to put words into his mouth.
(Once again) signing off, Rebutting an rebuttal of a rebuttal,
KAG

[In TCB’s hand]  I choose not to continue, seeing that KAG has looked over all of the relevant facts and has turned it into a personal attack against me (TCB) because of some reason.
Sincerely,
TCB
P.S.  All I wanted to do was not to let something this heinous happen again

[In KAG’s hand] I am not turning this into a personal attack on my beloved cousin.  There is no reason for such immaturity.  I think that we have taken up enough space with our bullshit, though.  So, for the first time throughout this episode, I agree with TCB & choose not to continue.
Unheinously,
KAG

[In TCB’s hand]  KAG moved her ball when the balls were still in motion, undeniably cheating.
TCB

My play had been made already… I thought TCB had chosen not to go on writing.  I had too, but defense must put in the last word!
KAG.

ENOUGH! KAG

Yeah, nice defense, cheater. TCB

Yeah, what he said!! Nyahh! JBH

[In KJB’s hand] Wholly apart from the merits or morality, which may or may not be attributable to either side of this subject, which may rise to the level of being a genuine “issue”, those players who considered KAG’s action to be a violation of what are said to be the “rules” of the game irrevocably waived all objections in perpetuity by continuing to play. Such a waiver could only be avoided by the objectors by quitting the field of play at the time of the action alleged to have been questionable.
KJB, C.J.

As in the case of the lifted ball!!!
KAG

Ken’s true sportsmanship and ethics shining through!!!  “It’s my ball, if I can’t have my way… I’ll quit!,” said Young Ken.
JBH

(End the case of the lifted ball)

Ruling in the case of the Lifted Ball!
There has been more comment about this matter (8 pages) than almost any other controversy in the long 20 year history of this tourney.  It is relatively minor and easily decided.  The tawdry facts are that KAG hit JHB’s ball at #13 & before his ball stopped rolling, KAG lifted her ball which JHB’s was was rolling toward.  LEB, Grand Matron of Colfax and ranking senior member of GM was called upon & ruled against KAG.  This ruling was ignored and the shot not played over.  The penalty is this: KAG is fined 10 points – her so called ill gotten gain from this win.  She is also censured for ignoring the ruling of the Grand Matron.  We realize the assessment at 10 points against KAG is not very painful – she was not in contention anyway (what’s new).
TDB C.J. of Ct. of G.M.  Complete list of titles supra

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Nomination for Shot of the Year 1990

7/3/90 Nomination for shot of the year – TDB in one turn went through 7, 8, 9, 10 11 & 12 – a record six wickets and one stake in one turn.  TDB went on to ultimate victory, snuffing TRB’s brilliant 3 game winning streak.  [Unsigned, but in TDB’s hand]

[In JBH’s hand] 7/4/90 Addendum:  Be it duly noted that TCB made the exact same sequence of shots on this day which only goes to show the simplicity of said sequence.  May it also be noted that TDB also played off at least two other  people and demand[ed] commendation for it.

Respectfully submitted
J.B.H (“the accuser”)

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RHB’s Censure for Fixing #5

RHB Redoes Side Wicket – Censured

Tom Beeby, Chairman of the Golden Mallet, issued a letter of censure to RHB for his razing of the situs of old #5 without authority of the board.  This wicket has been taken “as is” for 75 years, but because RHB had been having difficulty making the wicket in the last 50 years he unilaterally changed the entire layout – including adding a piece of wood in place of the original root structure.  Tom Beeby said: “thousands have learned to play this course as it lay.  The only change made has been this one.  It is a sad day for the field of play.”

TDB

The Condition of Old #5 in 1989 Prior to Repair

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Nomination for S.O.T.Y. 1990

[In DJB’s hand] Nomination for S.O.T.Y.! On this sixteenth day of the month of June in the year 1990 John Hartman made a shot thought worthy of nomination for shot of the year!

Description of shot: shooting for #13 John was shooting from ~20 feet south of the wicket.  DB was in position to shoot #13 and John hit DB’s ball from his lie.  JH knocked DB’s ball from position and put his own ball through #13 (see fig #1)

JH went on to win the game.

[In John H’s hand]  The actual distance of this shot may not be questioned as it was measured by DB.  I thought it was a fine shot and I hereby accept my shot’s nomination as SOTY.  Thank you.

However, I also think it necessary to relate the pertinent playing conditions.

The shot was made at approximately 9:30 pm.  As any true woodser would realize, it is quite dark at 9:30 in mid June in the woods in these parts.  The course was raked just previous, so that I was not trying to [sic] fanagle anything cheap.  It was, inarguably, a great shot.
Respectfully included and verified,
JBH

JBH does his nomination no good by the “blowing of his own horn”.
TDB

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