Clarifying Remarks on the 1996 Golden Mallet Award

9/1/97 – In a fit of retribution unequaled in G.M. play RHB seeks to deprive his mother of her fairly won GM victory in 1996.  This is truly an act worthy of MACBETH rather than a ranking member of Colfax.  RHB not being an attorney is obviously unaware of the change to GM Rule 5 at page 117 supra.

TDB
C.J. of GM.

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An Assertion That 1996 Had No Golden Mallet

7/13/97 – It is noted that only 3 qualifying games were played (i.e. games with 3 or more players participating). A quick reference to the Golden Mallet rules shows that a minimum of 5 (five) qualifying games must be played in order to become eligible for Golden Mallet. Therefore, in 1996 there is no Golden Mallet. (There was a mis-ruling, some would say careless ruling, by Colfax member T[D]B).

Robert H. Beeby
Founder, the Golden Mallet, and Creator of Tournament Rules

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How the FOP, Even Old #5, Renews Our Spirits!

6/13/97 – TDB came upon LEB shuffling disconsolently [SIC] off of the F.O.P. and he asked gently what was wrong. In a weak + trembling voice she said she had been practicing the side wicket (Old #5) and did not have the strength to make it.

TDB decided to hold a[n] unscheduled “trick shot clinic” and selected at random a ball + mallet + proceeded to Old #5 with the W.G.M. (Worthy Grand Matron) in tow.  After several practice shots to get the “feel” for the wicket TDB put it thru 4 times in a row + then proceeded to instruct the WGM in its seasonal intricacies.  She missed the 1st 5 but made the next 3 in a row. SHe marched off the FOP with as much quickness in her step as an 86 year old with a broken bone in her foot could muster!  Another example of the FOP renewing a new spirit within us!

[in TDB’s Hand]

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1996 G.M. Results

The Grand Matron (L.E.B.) was the winner of the 1996 Golden Mallet for the 2nd time in its illustrious history.  Congratulations G.M.

[In TDB’s hand]

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On Submission of Names to the Rolls of Golden Mallet

1996 Golden Mallet

26th Year of the Mallet, 83rd Year of the Cottage, 74th Year of Colfax

Notice of enactment – Effective Jan 1 1995
G.M. Rule 4.8.6.7.(d).(e). Submission of Names to the Rolls of Golden Mallet – (d) Effective this date the penalty for submitting an incorrectly spelled name to the Master of the Rolls is:

  1. 25 points for the last name
  2. 10 points for the middle initial
  3. 15 points for the first name

(e) Re-issue of the G.M. certificate – Cost of
(1) The cost for re-issue of a Golden Mallet Certificate is as follows:
(a) Lost – .50 cents submitted in SASE to G.M. Headquarters
(b) Misspelled name – $20.00 submitted in SASE to GM Headquarters (see G.M Rule 4.8.6.7(d) supra.

[in TDB’s hand]


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A Rather Dull Season

In a rather dull, non-interesting season, one KAG appears to be the winner under our Affirmative Action/Americans with Disabilities Program (G.M. Rule 3.2.4.(c)).  Under this rule the winner is ineligible to repeat unless she wins by at least 8 points on average over the season.

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A Peculiar Brand of Team Spirit

August 6, 1994 will go down in history as a day of infamy on the GM field of honor.  On that day Liz and Doug invaded the hallowed halls and smeared tim with their own peculiar brand of team spirit.  The situation was as follows:  four time GM victor, member of the GM Hall of Fame, Chief Justice of the Golden Mallet, Commissioner of the Golden Mallet, Chief of Player Operations and Grand Marshall of the Mallet was shooting for No. 12.  He had allowed Liz, Doug, + Bob (another former GM Champion) to go on ahead so that the finish of the came would be a challenge to him).  Liz and Doug were going for #13 as was Bob.  Liz was in perfect position to go thru the wicket and “Douggie” made a fairly credible shot which hit “Lizzie”.  Any true competitor would have known that Liz had to be driven away so she could not pursue Doug in his flight toward a possible victory.  But Tom + Bob knew Doug was not well versed in GM dogma [and] informed Doug of the tactical situation.  He chose to ignore it – leaving Liz in position to go thru the wicket, which she of course proceeded to do – and then she proceeded to beat “Douggie”.  Hopefully Doug will learn from his blatant misbehavior that Golden Mallet is about “individual competition”.  It is not a “team” game.  While his sucking up to his wife may have given him (and her) a temporary feeling of camaraderie, it bodes ill for his long term development.  It calls into question what kind of father he will be to the “first great grandchildren”.  The reader is left to ponder that question.  History will judge them.   However, I must judge their conduct on the field of play.  Liz and Doug are both “censured” for conduct unbecoming of a GM player.  They shall forfeit their scores in the subject game.  If they had been GM champions their conduct would have called for expulsion (but now we have an inkling why they are not champions).  Done this 7th day of August 1994, this 24th year of the Mallet, and 74th year of Colfax at the Cottage.

TDB

BOTTOM LINE TOM + BOB LOST! DSH

The game in question on Aug 6th was won fairly on merits of skill by “the Golden Goddess”.  This is a prime example of juvenile jealousy and poor sportsmanship on the parts of the former old fart mallets.  A sorry display!  God and we know who deserves the crown!
– The Golden Goddess ’94
Liz Hoadley

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Leaders Must Play if Asked

[In TDB’s hand, but unsigned] GCR 7.3.2.1.  Leaders who have not played the minimum 5 games and refuse a challenge shall be penalized 10 points for each such refusal.

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A Voided Game 5/1993

[In TDB’s hand] The GM course was declared open by Grand Marshall, Tom Beeby.  Heather Graham took advantage of a fluke shot from the valley on old #5 & went on to beat her “strong” competition of her mother and 83 year old G’ma.  “Atta girl” to Heather.

5/30  DJBII pointed out that the GM horn was not blown prior to the game nor were mallets crossed.  This is in violation of GM rule 6.7.3.2(1).  This game is held to be void.  It should be noted that if a past holder of the Mallet is a participant in the game, the blowing of the horn may be waived, but the crossing of the mallets never!  The 5/29 game will be deemed to be an exhibition.  No GM points will be awarded.

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It’s Bullshit to Have to Hit the Stake Twice

Not many protests have been made recently, so I will have to make one.  I think it’s bullshit to have to hit the stake a 2nd time when you’ve already hit it once.  You don’t have to at the end then why in the middle?  This rule started when DJB made the mistake of asking LEB whether we had to or not.  Keep croquet’s old rules, don’t bring in new ones that insult professional players and extend the playing time.
Todd

[In KAG’s hand]  I would have to agree with TCB.  If you’ve already proven your ability to hit the stake why should have have to do it again?  In fact, one’s ability to accomplish two wickets & a stake in one shot should be celebrated, not doubted.  This bullshit is not worthy of GM status.
KAG

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